Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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