I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
