There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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