I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
