Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
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I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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