i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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