Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
