Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
