He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
she told me i tasted like america
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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