My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
