Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
