Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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