she looked like the bat from fern gully.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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