Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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