Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
