the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
