Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
