mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
