the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
