Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
