There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
