just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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