someone threw a dead crab at me
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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