either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
