just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
