A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
