I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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