8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
