Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
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He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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