Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
