its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
