If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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