If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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