I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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