i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
