In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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