i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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