Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
