I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
