I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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