Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
