She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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