dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
