Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
