I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
