dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
