I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just want nice things and good sex
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
