I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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