Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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