I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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