Jerry, you need to find god
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
