Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
