if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
