i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish you could order shots online.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
