I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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