shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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