mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
