why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
