i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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